Legacy

I think I’ve fallen prey to the idea of leaving a legacy in my life. The idea that my life must be bigger, or more important, on some kind of grand scale measured by others. But the thing is, as Glennon Doyle points out in Untamed, this is my one, precious life. If I live looking over my shoulder to see what I’m leaving behind to double check that it will be lasting and momentous and remembered and upstanding, then I’m not really living this moment. I’m not sitting with my two amazing boys who are dancing and laughing and playing and asking for family hugs. That’s the good stuff. This moment. In this life. I don’t get to see what anyone will say of my life later – if anyone will say anything of me later. Why should I care? My legacy – my impression on this world – has to be based in the authentic relations with the people that matter around me. Anything else is just a façade.

This idea of living for some grander purpose has made me obsessed with finding the right job and optimizing my happiness. Like it was some kind of sliding doors situation based on a simple decision, or an algorithm or something. What if I can choose happiness right now? And right now? And now? I am not in an unhappy marriage, or an abusive relationship, or stuck in an addiction. I’m stuck in my own mind spiraling about how life is supposed to be bigger. Specifically, about how my fame and reputation is supposed to be bigger. I’m not saying no matter what, suck it up and play the cards you’re dealt. Because, again, this is my one, precious life. This is it. Make it great. But that also has to mean that I’m going to live it now. Make big choices, love deeply and vulnerably, and consciously choose generosity and graciousness. So many of these words, I take with gratitude directly from Brené Brown, and hope that I might aspire to dare greatly, indeed. Wouldn’t that make it easier to find the happiness in any moment? Scary as all get out, yes. But it would be a fuller, more exciting ride – not because it’s grander by any significant scale, or noticed by anyone else, but because I’m in it. Right now. Not internally debating the reaction of others around me and making sure that I come out on the side of popular opinion so that people remember me. Who cares?

I say this and I’m also still hoping that people will read this and think – Man, she really gets it. She’s so profound and right. This is really good stuff. Ugh.